2/28/2009

today is the worst day of my life.
no doubt.
michael broke up with me.
the worst part: he doesn't even seem to care.

i can't handle being ignored.
that's what he's doing right now.

apparently he doesn't care that i'm crying my eyes out.
apparently he doesn't care that i burned my arm raw.
apparently he doen't remember me saying 'if you told me you didn't love me, i wouldn't make it out alive"

i miss the way we used to talk.
i missed the way he smelled like nothing.
miss the way he would kiss me out of love.
i miss how he would tell me about how we would be married one day.
i miss how he used to tell me that he was in love with me.

he isn't anymore.

but i still am.
so much.

sarina-
i can't belive i was about to post a mean blo about you,
for no specific reason other than i needed someone to be mean to.
i'm glad i didn't.
i don't know what i would do without you.
you're my best friend ever,
and we'll be friends in the nursing home room that we share together.
:]

michael-
there are so many things i want to say to you right now.
here are some of them because i know that you'll never read this:
you are a dumb ass with no feelings.
you're gay.
i hate you.
i love you.
i miss you.
i'm going to kill you.
i'm going to ill myself.
i want to slap you so hard it leaves a purple print on your face,
and i hope it haunts you because you know that purple is my favorite colour.
i hate how you think everything is okay.
i hate you're ignoring me.
i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.
YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAG!
but the first thing that comes to my mind is:
i miss you.

suicide.

he broke up with me.

Fell Good Drag.

for now, lets just say that today is a bad day.

your lips.
your lies.
your lust.

and just to say i'm having what we call the "feel good drag"
this, my dear, is when you think everything is good untill it all comes down on you.
maybe i should have dyed my hair black instead of bronze.
that way i would be able to impress you,
because i know i'll never be anything but your second best friend.
and that's what sucks about our relationship.
everything sucks.
my boyfriend thinks your weird.
yours doesn't like me that much anyway,
and to tell the truth, neither of us give a fuck about it.
we're still friends.
right?

today is one of those days,
where you feel sick to your stomach,
not because you have food poisioning,
but because you're thinking.
like taking time.
setting aside.
negetives.

today is one of those days,
where you just want to sit in the darkest corner of your room,
and cut the impurities out of your life.
you do this by slicing your writs in every direction.

today is one of those days,
where you feel inspired.
you set your mind to doing something,
but almost instantly,
it's gone.
goodbye inspiration.

today is just one of those days.

i hate it how you sat,
"if you love me, you'll do this"

it makes me feel like shit.
fucking shit.

your lips.
your lies.
your lust.

today is one of those days,
where you just want to sit around with the person you're in love with,
and do "nothing"
you want to sit with them for old times sake.
but you can't, because your parents are home,
and you suck at sneaking people into your house.

today is one of those days,
where you sit in bed,
cradling your type writer,
crying and wishing you could come up with something good to write.
but you know you'll always be stuck with livejournal.
which isn't so bad,
except,
where is that going to get you anywhere in life.
where the hell are you supposed to send your stories anyway.

today is one of those days,
when early in the morning,
you take all of your notebooks,
and stand on the top of your roof.
when the wind hits,
you tear out each page of your notebook,
and let it go,
maybe it will find someone who really cares about it.
this is why i sign my stories "Unknown".
i don't deserve your attention.
i'm not that good a writer anyway.

today is one of those days,
where you feel like you have the devil in your hands.
and all of the sin in the world,
is resting right in front of you,
waiting for you to send it off,
and do work.
i'd like to send it all to you.
because i'll always be your second best friend.

but whatever.
it doesn't really matter.

i'd like to suffer my feel good drag with you.
but you're not here.

i love you.
<3

Take Me Back..

please take me back.
just..
back to when we talked.
when we talked and blew off our best friends,
just to talk to each other.
when we didn't know each other.
before i knew about your "habits".


my day was good untill i called you.
my mom and i had all day around downtown to do nothing.
nothing but loll around in furniture stores,
and look at atiques.
like i said,
my day was good.
untill i called you.

so this is life.
i found something i want.
but it can't be just so.
it sucks that i'm OCD.


everytime you're with him,
something bad happens.


YOU
FUCKING
CAN'T
GET
ADDICTED
TO
WEED!

"but i need it."

i'll bet you want it because it's all people talk about.

isn't it funny,
how everytime we get into a scuffle,
you want to "go to bed"?

i don't think it is..

i wish i could go back to last night,
when your word actually ment something to me.

where your kisses were comfort,
love,
and pride.

where is the "you" that i had last night?

i feel like shit right now.
i feel like my day has just gone down the drain.

i'm afriad that you'll break up with me,
because i'm trying to get in the way of your "problem".

i'm afraid that all your friends will hate me.

why should i care about your friends though?

you don't give a fuck about mine..


my house is so empty right now,
and i feel like the bottle of lithium in my cabinet,
is calling my name.
tempting me.

even though this isn't a good enough reason to end things,
i feel like all it's going to do,
is tear us apart.

and i knew if you told me you didn't love me,
i wouldn't make it out alive.

i can't barley see straight because of my tears.
tears mixed with mascara and eyeliner.
ouch.

even that can't compare,
to the flame licking my bare skin,
my veins so close to the top of my skin.

i hope i burn.
i hope everything burns,
underneath that flame.

i wish we could go back.

that's all that i want right now.

all i want is you.

Want.

I guess this is where i'm suposed to tell everyone that i was born without sanity?
life is so much more complicated with you around.
i've cried more often.
i've dreamed more often.
i've come to relize that my life would suck without you.
but everytime we talk, you talk about her.
you say you don't have feelings for her.
i belive you.
so much.
but she is all you can talk about.
:(

speak slow, tell me love, where do we go?
i've cried over you many times before.
i've recently cried because of our fights.
nobody really wins, persay.
but you know it's sad to look at who wins.
a fight between lovers is supposed to make their love stonger.
if they survive, that is.
but recently, i've been unable to let go of that meloncholy feeling i get everytime we do fight.
:(

when i'm feeling bad about something, you ask me what's wrong.
i say nothing.
you say tell the truth.
i begin to tell you everything.
my guts fall to the floor with a sharp smack.
tears fall.
you hush me and say it will be alright.
everything will be fine.
now you know everything.
about how i'm a failure.
insecure.
a liar.
an outcast.
but you know what it's like to be me.
:(

i miss you terribly right now.
more than i've ever missed anyone.
more than i've missed my best friend in the whole world.
it's because i'm in love with you.
it hurts me to hear you wishing for death to take you in your sleep.
it hurts me to hear about your past relationships and how they did you wrong.
it's all wrong, you and them.
if i told you i didn't love you, it would be the darkest kind of blasphemy.
if you told me you didn't love me...

well, i wouldn't make it out alive.